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This month, the first e-book in the
F***ed-Up Fairy Tale series, CURSES!,
has been on sale for $2.99!
I don't know how much longer the sale will be running,
so snag it for your nook, Kindle, Kobo, etc. while you can!
F***ed-Up Fairy Tale series, CURSES!,
has been on sale for $2.99!
I don't know how much longer the sale will be running,
so snag it for your nook, Kindle, Kobo, etc. while you can!
The F***ed-Up Fairy Tale series, if you can't tell by its name or the covers, is not for children.
There are so many illusions to fairy tales as you read; J.A. Kazimer is highly innovative when it comes to word choice. The way things blend and mash together reminds me of the kingdom of Far Far Away from the Shrek movies. It can be outrageous and bawdy, but also hilarious and witty.
Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
"The reason your eyes are tearing up." The cop nodded to my salt-smeared cheeks. "Sugar, spice, and everythimg nice. Half a city block got coated in the stuff when the bus...well, you know.: He waved a tobacco-discolored hand in the direction of the chalk outline.
I must've looked confused because Asia came up to stand next to me, her hand on my arm. "Sugar, spice, and everything nice. That's what little girls are made of." She shrugged. "And it tastes pretty good on toast too."
(pg. 17, US paperback edition)
These types of passages are numerous and combine humor and wit, while throwing in a modern edge with pop culture references (For example, in FROGGY STYLE, the Frog Prince plays Frogger. In one of the books, a character has a poster of Pamela Hans Christian Anderson.) In fact, the plot takes a backseat to the mash-ups thrown in, and I found myself flipping pages to see the ways fairy tales were going to get twisted up next. This series is definitely hit or miss: You'll love it or hate it with little in-between. It can be incredibly nonsensical at times, but it really depends on what kind of of book you're looking for. In-depth this isn't, but funny it is!
Take a peek at the prologue from both books and you'll see what I mean!
***Excerpt***
CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
PROLOGUE
Once upon a time (about nine minutes and forty-seven seconds ago) in a land far, far away (the corner of West Fairy-Second Street and Sugar Plum Lane, to be precise) stood a beautiful princess, a woman without compare in beauty or sweetness. Every man, woman, and child in the land loved her, from the most villainous villain to the wickedest of witches.
“Hello there.” The princess smiled at the bluebird pecking at a bit of cocoa on the sidewalk. “Aren’t you a pretty bird?”
The bluebird chirped, dancing around the beautiful princess. Its tiny claws scratched against the pavement as it bopped figure-eights around her trim ankles.
The princess laughed a high feminine laugh of pure delight. The bird paused, and then continued its acrobatic tricks. The princess bent down to run her manicured hand over the brightly plumed bird. The bird fluttered its wings, edging closer to the busy avenue. A taxicab blaring a bibbitybop version of “Some Day My Prince Will Come” whizzed by, a little pig at the wheel.
What a lovely day, the princess thought, watching the bird rise into the cloudless sky as it chirped a familiar tune.
Yes, it was a lovely day.
Too bad it was also her last.
Sadly, the princess never saw the crosstown Fairy-Second Street bus.
***Excerpt***
CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
PROLOGUE
Once upon a time (about twenty-two years, seven days, twelve hours, twenty-one minutes, and forty-seven seconds ago) in a land not so far away sat a forlorn frog, his lime-colored skin pale under his frogger’s tan.
“Ribbit,” he croaked halfheartedly, and then sighed, bored by his unending amphibianness, if not his shiny reflection in the khaki-colored water. His days passed in a jaded blur of flies, hopping, and the occasional real-life game of Frogger.
The most excitement he’d experienced in his eight years of frogitude was a questionable wart. He groaned again, closing his bug eyes against the harsh afternoon glare. Hours passed. The sun sank lower in the sky, shading it a princess-pink color.
The frog’s nose twitched. Something approached, something that smelled a lot like sugar and spice with just a hint of wet dog. Not unpleasant to his froggy sense.
From the enchanted underbrush tumbled a girl child. She clutched a tattered blanket coated with dirt and chocolate. The frog, surprised by his stubby visitor, did what frogs do. He croaked once and dove into the pond, sinking below the surface to avoid a confrontation with the seemingly sticky child. Frogs, and their toadish counterparts, were known for two things, double-sided sticky tongues and the ability to avoid any conflict. With the exception of the horny toad.
Those guys jumped anything.
The child bumbled her way toward the pond, closer to the hiding frog. Her blond hair burst from her head like a deranged troll, sticking up at odd and geometrically impossible angles.
The nearer she came to the edge of the water, the more nervous the frog became. What if she fell in? he pondered in his pea-sized brain. Or worse, what if she didn’t and the frog was once again left all alone to live his fly-eating existence?
The question proved moot. The girl child stopped at the rim of the pond, her purple lollipop eyes searching the watery depths. For what, the frog couldn’t say, but she piqued his interest.
Could she be the One?
Apparently finding what she desired, the child let out a small squeal, dropped her blankie, and jammed her hand into the murky water.
The frog’s head wobbled with disgust. If she was indeed the One, he was in trouble.
The girl shrieked and yanked her arm from the water. A miniature golden ball emerged in her mud-coated hand. She beamed at the ball and then stuffed it into her mouth.
Ew. The frog shivered with repulsion, and he was a frog who ate flies for three meals a day.
As soon as the golden ball passed the girl’s lips she began to choke, grabbing at her throat with chubby hands. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her lips turned the brightest shade of blue the frog had ever seen outside the reflection of his own gaze in the pond.
Panic set into the frog’s tiny brain. Was the blanket-carrying, golden-ball-eating, sticky girl about to drop dead in front of his very eyes? What if she was the One and she died? What would happen to him then?
Blinded with terror, the frog did the only thing his frog brain could think of. He jumped on the little girl, landing with enough force that she and her frog-stowaway tumbled to the swampy ground in a heap of child and amphibian parts.
The golden ball popped free from the girl’s mouth. It rolled down the embankment and into the murky water once again. The child watched it with a frown, which she then turned on her frog savior. Her fat fingers pointed at the pond. “Ball,” she muttered with a yawn.
The frog responded with a ribbit.
The child frowned harder, her brow wrinkling under the curls of her hair. The frog paused to watch the child. There was something about her. Something that he wasn’t sure boded well for either of them.
A second later, without warning, the girl scooped up her guardian froggy angel and stuffed his slimy body into her drool-coated mouth.
Thunder rumbled overhead. A flash of lightning lit the sky. With a shriek, the child abruptly spat the frog out. He tumbled downward, spinning faster and faster in the air until he hit the pond water with a loud splash. The sticky girl’s violet eyes widened two times their already bug-eyed size. Blackness quickly descended, turning day to night in the blink of a milky toad’s eye.
As quickly as it came the storm vanished, leaving the little girl standing at the edge of the pond, a confused look upon her chubby face. She glanced down at the eight-year-old boy in front of her. A very naked, slightly greenish eight-year-old boy, who was standing in three feet of stagnant pond water where the frog had dropped only moments before.
The boy gazed down at his naked arms, legs, and boyish parts with surprise. Free, free at last from the dreaded curse, he thought with a grin.
A grin that quickly faded under the little girl’s gaze. She slowly looked him up and down, and shook her head, nearly poking out her own eye with the point of her hair in the process.
The boy’s face flamed red and he quickly covered himself with a lily pad. “The water’s cold,” he said like a million men before him.
The little girl smiled.
The frog prince scowled.
And they lived happily ever after.
Or so the tale goes. . . .
~*~
O F F I C I A L I N F O:
(OF THE SERIES)
Title: CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
Author: J.A. Kazimer
Release Date: Out Feb. 28, 2012
Publisher: Kensington
Received: Received for Review
SUMMARY:
When Cinderella is run over by a New Never City bus, her not-so-ugly stepsister, Asia, suspects murder. So she hires RJ, a private eye, to investigate. Little does she know RJ is actually a villain on mental health leave from the Villain's Union. Cursed with an inability to say no to damsels in distress, RJ travels to the Kingdom of Maldetto, meets the rest of Cinderella's family--including her fiancé, the flamboyant Prince Charming, Cinderella's crazy stepmother, and a seriously twisted version of Hansel and Gretel--and dodges bullets, explosions, fires, and his own ex-wife to slip his own version of glass handcuffs on the wrists that fit. All while falling for Asia, who has a curse of her own to deal with...
Fabulous, frolicsome, and delightfully F***ed-Up, Kazimer's debut is a thoroughly fun read. - Nicole Peeler, author of the True Jane Series.
Forget everything you know about Cinderella and her sisters. J.A. Kazimer sets the record straight with wit, humor and a hell of an imagination! - Jeanne C. Stein, National Bestselling Author of The Anna Strong Vampire Chronicles.
Title: FROGGY STYLE: A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale
Author: J.A. Kazimer
Release Date: Out Feb. 26, 2013
Publisher: Kensington
Received: Received for Review
SUMMARY:
Jean-Michel La Grenouille has a lot going for him. He's a prince. Handsome. Filthy rich. And definitely charming. But he also spent his first few years as a fly-catching, pond-dwelling frog. All that saved him was the kiss of The One, the girl who saw nobility through his slimy form and fell into True Love. Okay, fine. Technically she was a toddler who tried to eat him, but whatever. The curse broke, and as long as he finds and marries her by his 30th birthday, he's a free man.
Trouble is, he's going to be 30 in ten days, and he's getting some seriously cold-blooded feet. He's pretty sure Princess Sleeping Beauty is The One. But his best man has some villain issues, his in-laws-to-be belong in a really special castle, and a smoking-hot lady biker named Lollie Bliss has him rethinking all this happily-ever-after stuff.
Oh, and he may have accidentally put out a hit on his blushing bride. Oopsie.
I can't help it. Morbid curiosity insists that I get at least one of these!
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